Reaching

This feeling of fear
Sinks deep in my heart
Deep in my mind
And I wonder
How much is there to fear

I'm stepping on a new stone
I'm walking on a new path
One step at a time
I'm in no hurry
Soon, I'll be running

Running with the wind
Moving past every barrier
Every pothole
Ignorance is bliss
I'm reaching for the skies

I'm going to make it
I'm going to push myself harder than ever
And let go of all that weigh me down
I'm reaching for the top
And this time, I'll make it.

I remembered

today i remembered
what it felt to be in your arms again
i felt your skin against mine
i felt your heartbeat
Like i used to feel it
when you held me close
i felt you breathe
ever so slowly, silent breaths

today i remembered
how it felt to love you all over again
i wish we could go back to that time
that time when i felt safe
whenever you were near
that time when all the hurt in the world
mattered nothing
because i had you

today i remembered
what it feels like to feel alone again
i know what it's like now to feel so lost
to lose yourself, to trip and fall
to not have that crutch to hold you up
i lost my balance a long time ago
and you weren't there to pull me up
when i needed you the most.

Those days we had, were the best parts of my life. To this day, you're still a part of my heart. You always will be. You were, are, my first real love. Your laugh, still makes me laugh the way it did before. Your lame jokes, still make me crack up as much as they did before. You made me laugh all the time. Yeah, we had those rough times, but those dont even seem to matter anymore.
You're not mine to love anymore.
But I'm okay with that now.
I'd rather have you in my life as my friend, then not at all.
♥

Unsaid

Unsaid

Your words are empty
You say them but you dont mean it
You whisper them
And the air carries it away
Your promises are just that
Words
Didnt anyone ever tell you
That you shouldnt ever
Make promises you cant keep
Especially not to someone
With a heart as fragile as mine
Your silence speaks louder than your words
They cut me like a knife
Words you say
Could never hurt as much as
The words unsaid

Blackout

I feel so stupid.
and now i feel like i need to hate you.
you lied to me.
you promised that i'd be the only one in your heart.
you lied.
because now i find out,
that im not the only one.
i knew about one.
yes that one.
but you told me you'd let it go
that she'd be your past
from the present and onwards.
but here i am
in the corner of my little room
and the voice in my head
screaming at me
the echo
of my friend
telling me about the others
about you
and the others
and now i feel so fucking stupid.
because i fell into your web of lies
and now my heart stings
with the pain of you
its like u cut open my healing wound
and rubbed salt on it
thank u so much
you've made my life a bed of nails now
thank u.
no amount of words u will have to say
can make this better
can make this feeling go away
so you just stand there
looking dumb
and let me fall apart
and you can walkaway anytime
because i am not your responsibility
you dont have to pretend you love me anymore.
i dont give a damned
you're making me feel bitter
you're making me ache in my heart
but i dont care
i dont want to
i dont need to
my life is still a story being told
and the rest, as they say
is still unwritten
but the parts with u in it
i shall just
black out.
because the memories hurt too much

Mirror

The morning dew hangs in the air

Like a thick cloud of darkness over my head

The cold water slides down my nose

As I splash my face with the water from the tap

The coldness shocks me and wakes me

I look up and I see this person

Thick hair, wide eyes, full lips

But she seems distressed

Like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders

Like she’s expecting everything to come crashing down on her

Those lines are etched in her forehead

Like a bad memory made so obvious

The laugh lines are missing from her face

And the fears engraved around her mouth

She tries to smile, but the smile wont last

But then I look closely at her

And I remember

I remember that bad memory

I remember that heartbreaking feeling

And I realize, I’m looking into a mirror

I hate the sadness I see in my eyes

I hate the fear I feel when I see me

I hate those memories I see when I look at myself

All I want is to find happiness again

Is that too much to ask?

Hold My Hand

When you look at me
Your deep dark eyes, they search my soul
When you smile at me
My heart warms up
It beats faster every second
Every second that i think of you

I smile at the thought of you
I laugh at the things u say
You captured my heart
Just by making me feel this way
By making me laugh

I dream of you
But then i lie about it
Just so you wont know
When really, its those dreams
That i want to come true

I think of you
I wonder how it would feel
To have your arms around me
You arms around me, protecting me
A safe haven

So hold my hand
And dont let go
We'll walk this road together
We're not alone
We've got each other

by Joanna Ambrose

Open Your Eyes

Your silent tears
Are the ones that scream out to me
Your words whispered
Are the ones I hear
Through your forced smile
I see the real you
So why do you hide away in the dark
And pretend like i dont know you
When you know its me
that you need with you
Dont shy away
I am here for you
Not just for now, not just for awhile

Open your eyes
See the new light that's been shed on you
The lighting striking lights up your path
Open up your heart
Let your voice be heard
The thunder rolling doesnt have to drown out your sound

Open your eyes
And look at yourself the way i see you
You, the beautiful person i know
The loyal and faithful friend
The one with the heart of gold
My best friend
Open up your heart
Let go and lose control
Love all those around you
Especially the one that deserves your love the most
But live just for you
No one else but you
Don't be afraid to take that risk
For if you fall I will catch you
If you break I will fix u
Cos that's what best friends are for

Open your eyes.

Pot of Gold

I close my eyes
And try to remember what it felt like
To have you near me
To feel your breath on my neck
To feel your fingers lock themselves in mine
It all comes back to me so easily
I remember it like it was yesterday
It's crystal clear in my mind
Its a memory that i can't get rid of
But then the memories of everything else come flooding back
The lies
The hurt, the tears
They way my heart you did break
And i feel a piercing pain go through my heart
over and over again


But now i'm taking a stand
I'm fending for myself
I'm not going to think of you
Of the way you touched
Of the way you smelled
I'm letting go of those dreams of us
Of those wishes for forever
So dont hold me back, dont hold my hand
I'm stepping forward
I'm leaving these memories of you
Because after every rainy day
A rainbow hides between the clouds
U were my rainy day
Now i'm leaving, in search for my rainbow
Because on the other side of every rainbow
Lies my pot of gold

by Joanna Ambrose

Bloody Kiss

You ran your fingers over my lips
Your thumb caressed my upper lip
As my lower lip trembled
You let your hands explore my hips
And you went in for the dip
As you kissed me your hands fumbled
That memory of that last day
Remains so clearly in my mind
The way you held me that night
The way you kissed me before you went away.

You left me to bleed
I bled through my heart
I bled through my lips
Through every part of me you ever touched
It's like you left after doing the deed
The deed of breaking me once we'd part
Cos you knew that every time i saw you my heart did flips
You knew once you left it'd hurt too much

And you were right
You walked away leaving my bloody lips
It's like you bit me so hard
And left my blood to trickle down my face
You left me crying crimson tears into the darkest hours of the night
Because of the things you did i took trips
Down that stairway to hell, drew myself away from the Lord
I lost myself for days

I write you this note
Crying silent tears
Though you've left me
This heart still bleeds with love
So here's to you and me
It's ending finally
So here's my love letter to you
Sealed
With a Bloody Kiss

Bleeding Love

I have dreams sometimes
about my chest splitting open
and blood rushing out
my heart jumping out
as if having a seizure
the blood spilling all over my body
leaking onto my wrist
that wrist with the tattoo
that tattoo of you

So i paint a picture of this dream
Hoping they stop coming back to me
but they just keep haunting me
no matter how hard i try
they wont leave me alone

so i pick up that shiny thing
i run my fingers over its edges
it's shiny sharp edges
but when i reach the tip
i suddenly realise
i'm laying in a pool of blood
pouring out from my wrist
i look down
and i see the pool of blood
all around me
blood rushing out of my wrist
that one,
with the tattoo of you

i woke up this morning
wondered what happened
why am i here

i used to think the blood on my hands
was the pain, the hurt, the anger
of being without you near me
but now i see
the pain is from everything that is you
the hurt is from everything you do
the anger is form everything you dont do

you keep giving me hope
then taking it away
you keep making those promises
but you never keep them anyway
and suddenly i remember
you are the knife that's cutting me
you and everything you are
is the reason why i'm still bleeding.

by Joanna Ambrose

Some Sunshine

I need some sunshine back here in my life

Been walking too long in the rain

The raindrops are cutting my like a knife

But I’m too numb to feel the pain

I need the moonlight back here with me now

I’ve been lost in the darkness of the night

I need to move on but I just don’t know how

But I’m not backing down without a fight

I see the green grass growing on the other side

I want to crossover to feel the change

Coz when you left a part of me died

This feeling is so new, so strange

I see the rainbow touching the ground

I want to reach out and feel the sky

To feel the magic and find my sound

Coz since you left I can’t sing, no matter how I try.

by Joanna Ambrose

Those were some of the older poems i've written. Some were about Joshil, some were about Sanjosh.
Like i said, my words, my poems, are my heart.
I'll post newer ones. and will keep doing so. =)

xx J

Some Lost, Others Gained

Tears fall from this face

Everyday in this life

As the days pass

Reasons change

Some things lost

Others gained

But a little part

Of this heart

Carved into a hole

I lose a lover

But gain a friend

I lose a friend

But gain inspiration

I lose inspiration

But gain memories

By Joanna Ambrose

Sorry

I’m sorry for falling in love with your deep brown eyes

I’m sorry for falling in love with your secretive smile

I’m sorry for falling in love with your infectious laugh

I’m sorry for falling in love with the friendship we shared

Because everything we had was just filled with lies

Everything we had, was not ours all this while

After all that’s been said and done, you tore me in half

But what killed me the most was that you never really cared

All I did, was show you my heart

And wonder about our tomorrow

But there’s not going to be a tomorrow for me or us

Because you took it from me

You’ve wrenched from me

You erased my faith

And that, is what I’m most sorry for.

Lost and Found

Feels like I’ve been lost all this while

Finally I’ve been found

Been shown the light

Now I remember

What it’s like to smile

To laugh

I was lost in the darkness

Of a cave on an island somewhere

Isolated, all alone

But you were my candle

You lit my path

Brought me out of that cave

I was lost among the trees

In a forest so thick

Couldn’t find my way out

But you were my compass

You led me through it

And brought me out

I’ve been lost for so long

Didn’t think I’d be found

But here I am, found

You saved me

That time when I was lost

Now seems like just a distant memory, fading.

by Joanna Ambrose

Illusions of the heart

You thought he was the love of your life
The one, the only
But then you realise
He doesn't see the person you could be

To him you're just a pretty face
Nothing more, nothing less

He doesn't know you
And you don't know him
You've never looked into each others eyes
To see what's within

But sometimes you both feel so above
Is it 'like' or is it 'love'?

You don't know what to say
Since you've both been apart
It's obvious in every way
What you both had, was the illusions of the heart.

by Joanna Ambrose

Dont Make Me

Don’t make me apologise

For something I did not cause

For something that is not my fault

For a situation I did not create

Don’t make me wonder

About the things that went wrong

About someone I no longer know

About something I’m lost between

Don’t make me speak

When I don’t want to talk

When I need to be quiet

When I have to understand the silence

Because when you make me apologise

It will be for something you caused

And if I were to apologise, I would on my own

With no persuasion form anyone but me

When you make me wonder

I will be breaking myself even more

Because the memories will come back to haunt me

And I will never know peace

When you make me speak

Words filled with spite and anger may be heard

Emotions will be let loose

And those I cherish, will be hurt

You did this to me

The things I did, the thoughts I thought, the words I said

Everything was because of you

Because you broke this already bruised heart

So I won’t speak, not with you

I want to make no conversation with you

Because I choose to do so

Because this was your doing

And I will not wonder, not about you

I will not let my thoughts stray to you

Because I choose not to

Because this is what you did

And I will not apologise, not to you

I make no apologies

For the way I choose

To mend what you broke

So don’t try to make me.

by Joanna Ambrose

Daze

I know what’s happening is so wrong
I know I shouldn’t let it go on
But I can’t help falling in love with you
I’m so confused I don’t know what to do
I’m losing my mind going insane
I’m sick of playing this game

But I don’t know how to stop it
I just can’t forget
That feeling when you’re near
Those bumblebees in my tummy
The sweat running down my forehead
Doesn’t it all tell you something?

When you’re near
I’m breathless and confused
I just want to hold you
But when you’re here
I’m lost for words
Words I need to say wont come out

When you leave
You take away my light, my air
I’m blinded and I can’t breathe
When you turn around
I want to reach out and touch you
And make you mine

Everything I’m feeling for you
It feels so right
It’s what I’ve been waiting for
So why does it confuse me?
Why does it leave me in a daze when I think of you?

by Joanna Ambrose

Blink

You were my light

Can’t see without you

You were my air

Can’t breathe without you

You were my emotions

Can’t feel without you

You’re gone

You’ve left

In the blink of an eye

You were not there

You were my thoughts

I don’t know what to think without you

You were my joy

I don’t remember how to smile without you

You were my heart

It doesn’t beat without you

I don’t know why you’re gone

I don’t know why you left

If I blink my eyes

Will you come back?

by Joanna Ambrose

Believe

It's harder than you think
To find out who you are
So you've got to look
Deep inside your heart

Believe in yourself
Believe in what you can do
Open your eyes
Before it's too late for you to

Believe in your destiny
What ever it may be
Believe in the person you must be
Only then will you see

The things you thought important
Are no longer as important as they seemed
The one you thought was the love of your life
Is no longer part of your dream

So you must continue your journey
Even without that one
Walk alone if you have to
Because what's done is done

When you reach down inside of you
You see for yourself
The things in this world
That make you, you

by Joanna Ambrose

Because

Because of the way he smiles

That lets me know he’s true

Because of the words he speaks

That make me blush furiously

Because of the laughter in his eyes

That shows me his sweet and cheeky side

Because of the sweat in my hands

Whenever he’s around

Because of the smile he brings to my face

That never turns into a frown

Because of the way he makes my heart race

When I hear him say ‘I Love You’

Because he’s a dream

I want him so much

Because of his good heart

I need him with me

Because he’s the one I want

I love him with all my heart.

by Joanna Ambrose

Anything At All

I could sit with you all day

And just watch you smile

Just sit with you and listen to you talk

Be with you and only feel your touch

I could say everything I need to say to you

Without saying a word

Yet you understand

You simply know

I could lie next to you forever

And never move

Because with you next to me

There’s no way I could go

I would give you everything of me

Anything at all

Everything you need

I would give you

I love you this much

I would do anything at all

Anything you need

Even if it means I’d be doing too much

by Joanna Ambrose